Monday, September 20, 2010
Howdy...
No specific topic today. Just wanna say that after the confession, everything's back to normal day. I'm still their loving son. But it doesn't mean they are accepting. They just take it as if they've not heard and we live peacefully ever again....
Monday, September 13, 2010
So I've Done It
So it rained this morning. I was hoping that sunny day will come out after the rain but it seems no. Grey clouds still casting over the sky.
This morning, at breakfast, mom has asked me again why was I so moody since last night. I was hesitated to answer her, but she has put all her tries to find out the reason I was moody. I wasn't really moody by the way, I was just giving a deep thought of what's my option about the love bite I tried to hide.
Anyway, so she forced her way to the answer and I've told her that I like guys. I'm not sure if that's a bad move or what. But I can see her face of concern has turned so much to a sad face. She is a traditional lady and wouldn't have approved of such thing. But, she hold her tears well. We both didn't shed a tear but we both know well how hurt our hearts were. She tried to convince me to love a girl but I just couldn't tell her that it's not possible. There goes more worries for her.
I was silent all the time hoping she'll just take me as I am. I let her convince me to like girls but I know for sure that won't happen. Giving a false hope to a girl is more cruel than lying to myself that I'm straight.
Anyway, I hope this will all pass soon and that she quickly recovers from such an impact. I know I cried as I was on my way to office. What bout her? Did she cry too? Most likely, I hope. Or it'll be a suffer for not releasing such emotion.
After my confession and her advices, she only said she's going to the bathroom and ask me to drive safe as usual. But behind the back I know well all emotions have turned out from her. Have I passed the ball to her? Or have I made my case worse? All I can hope for is the silver lining comes quickly for a new hope.
Back to work.
This morning, at breakfast, mom has asked me again why was I so moody since last night. I was hesitated to answer her, but she has put all her tries to find out the reason I was moody. I wasn't really moody by the way, I was just giving a deep thought of what's my option about the love bite I tried to hide.
Anyway, so she forced her way to the answer and I've told her that I like guys. I'm not sure if that's a bad move or what. But I can see her face of concern has turned so much to a sad face. She is a traditional lady and wouldn't have approved of such thing. But, she hold her tears well. We both didn't shed a tear but we both know well how hurt our hearts were. She tried to convince me to love a girl but I just couldn't tell her that it's not possible. There goes more worries for her.
I was silent all the time hoping she'll just take me as I am. I let her convince me to like girls but I know for sure that won't happen. Giving a false hope to a girl is more cruel than lying to myself that I'm straight.
Anyway, I hope this will all pass soon and that she quickly recovers from such an impact. I know I cried as I was on my way to office. What bout her? Did she cry too? Most likely, I hope. Or it'll be a suffer for not releasing such emotion.
After my confession and her advices, she only said she's going to the bathroom and ask me to drive safe as usual. But behind the back I know well all emotions have turned out from her. Have I passed the ball to her? Or have I made my case worse? All I can hope for is the silver lining comes quickly for a new hope.
Back to work.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
I had sex again today....
The title may sound casual, but it may not seem as so. Recently I've met a guy over the net and he was eager to meet up. So, we have made it today. In the evening, I met up with him in hotel and we would then start with the routine. Kissing, sucking and sort. I won't go to the details, but in the middle of having fun I felt him giving me a love bite on the neck. I stopped him in time but it turned out too late.
After the fun, I've noticed a love bite forming the size of a 10 cent or slightly bigger than that. What's done is done. So, I didn't put the blame on him or anything. But that gives me a trouble to think. On the way home, I've thought of many ways to deal with it. But I have no other ideas but to hide it with a collar shirt as a temporally measure. However, as I was searching options of cloths. My mom became suspicious and came over trying to talk to me. Maybe I've put up my deep thought face too much that shows in my expression. I made it as casual but knowing that my options are limited now. That they wonder if anything has happened to me. Their worries made me wonder what should I do over this situation.
Some more, seeing the size of the love bite. I don't think I can hide any longer as they will find out soon enough. 1st of all, I usually wear singlets at home. What brought me to wear collar shirt is 1 suspicious. But that is the least I would worry because of all the reasons they wouldn't have thought of me having sex. But if they were to have found out the love bite what would their response be? I wonder.
So, now my options are only either to tell them the truth that I had sex with a guy or I hurt myself. Although I would say the 2nd option is obviously a lie to them. I honestly am thinking of telling them that I'm GAY! But should I? I'm in a delima now that I would not want to hurt my parents nor don't want them to start blaming themselves for who i am but I wouldn't want to lie to them about my secret, especially seeing that how they worried about me tonight.
Honestly, the thought of letting them know the me inside hurts my feeling but I can't seem to hide this forever. So, I try to seek for advice here and hope for a reply here. I'll take the 1st reply as my answer. But hope that won't be some meaningless advice.
Night everyone.
After the fun, I've noticed a love bite forming the size of a 10 cent or slightly bigger than that. What's done is done. So, I didn't put the blame on him or anything. But that gives me a trouble to think. On the way home, I've thought of many ways to deal with it. But I have no other ideas but to hide it with a collar shirt as a temporally measure. However, as I was searching options of cloths. My mom became suspicious and came over trying to talk to me. Maybe I've put up my deep thought face too much that shows in my expression. I made it as casual but knowing that my options are limited now. That they wonder if anything has happened to me. Their worries made me wonder what should I do over this situation.
Some more, seeing the size of the love bite. I don't think I can hide any longer as they will find out soon enough. 1st of all, I usually wear singlets at home. What brought me to wear collar shirt is 1 suspicious. But that is the least I would worry because of all the reasons they wouldn't have thought of me having sex. But if they were to have found out the love bite what would their response be? I wonder.
So, now my options are only either to tell them the truth that I had sex with a guy or I hurt myself. Although I would say the 2nd option is obviously a lie to them. I honestly am thinking of telling them that I'm GAY! But should I? I'm in a delima now that I would not want to hurt my parents nor don't want them to start blaming themselves for who i am but I wouldn't want to lie to them about my secret, especially seeing that how they worried about me tonight.
Honestly, the thought of letting them know the me inside hurts my feeling but I can't seem to hide this forever. So, I try to seek for advice here and hope for a reply here. I'll take the 1st reply as my answer. But hope that won't be some meaningless advice.
Night everyone.
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