Finding Sob...

Love sucks! I don't like the feeling. Probably this is the worst part of the loving game. Making you missing someone, feel the urge to confess to someone, feeling sad at times but happy at other times thinking of him, seeing his photos can make you smile and energize your day, having his memories sipping in at all those time gaps when you are not doing anything. Hoping that he would accept you. Ugh!!! This is frustrating... Maybe this is karma, for this has happen many times to me except that I'm the other opposite that others had hope to be with for...

I don't plan to reveal his name, but there's the hint. Sob. He happens to be my coworker from sister company. I only came to know him early this year. Being in need for this project, a surveyor is required on site. Therefore, he is imported from a sister company to come to site for surveying works. The first time I met him I was so mesmerized by his look. Handsome. A scruffy face, deep voice, broad shoulders, innocent looks, shadow of Adam Lambert. Now that he's in par with the handsome on top of my list for band of colleagues. But, knowing I have no hope for, I wouldn't put myself to imagine for him. He is just a mere admiration at eye sight.

Many months have passed, his service seem to be still in demand. Lucky me. Having all the chances I have to see him eat, sleep, sport, work, talk, walk, having fun and many more. On the plus side I do get to see him shirtless too.. haha! I've taught him swimming freestyle, which I'm proud to say he does swim well now.

The more I know of him, the more I like of him. Gentle, hardworking, no complaints, willingness to help others, kind to people, never calculative of things, simple. I like simple people. The other handsome at the top of my list is also a simple one. But all these don't push me to love him yet. Till then...

I do not know since when I have slowly let him crawled into my heart. One day, I came across a suggested group in Facebook, which he had joined. Found out that seem to be a gay group. Although is a public group, the first photo that came to me was three bears enjoying groupies. Its a cartoony drawing. The second photo appeared having a comic strip of a top doing someone in doggy style. I was shocked and closed immediately as I am in the living room where all my housemates are around (Yeah! for this project we travel to out of hometown to work). Secretly, I went to the toilet doing my "business" and browse with my hand phone.

Line after line of comments on the wall, I kindly grasp that it is a gay portal. But how can my handsome be there? Therefore, it came to my suspicious that he may be one of us. Wow! so exciting. I went to his profile, found that his comments, many have brought the sense that he had loved someone, missing someone, waiting for someone, rejected someone. All these, seem to be comment in a fellow gay's wall. Too, I have found that he had liked CF, for you know what if you are gay. NOT DRUGS!! of course. But then, later I found that he had another account and seem to have abandoned this one. But does he?

That has brought me to think of him. He can be a potential to be. I have been searching my The One. He probably is The One. Hell knows. But I had not put much thought of it. Except that I kinda like him even more. Observing his food, his laughter, his tiredness, his stories... I empathize him for being pulled out of his place and work with us. Yet I'm happy of his presents and company. However, I wish for him to be able to return soonest possible. Finally, last week was the day. He was told to return home. Flight had been booked on Sunday morning. Knowing of his return, we had planned for the Friday and Saturday and I had joined him and gang many days that week.

On Tuesday night, or so, he had suggested a good place for dinner in George Town (Yeah bitches, I'm in Penang...lnnL), Nasi Dalca. It sounds a good idea. Therefore, I suggested we go on Friday after work. It then became a plan. We executed it. The whole trip didn't seem to be abnormal or anything. But I did realize one thing. He's always sitting next to me or opposite me. Be it I wanted it that way or not (well mostly I wanted it so). On Friday morning, we were having breakfast, he came in late and chose to pull a chair sitting next to me, despite that he had company along. Few days ago, we had dinner together (bunch of friends) he was sitting opposite me, making me can't escape my gaze from him (more than willingly setting my eyes on him.. haha). Swimming time, he's most the time next to me, well this is arguable cause I too have the intention to be next to him. Then, on Friday night itself, we had dinner at Nasi Dalca Rahman. We were sitting at first a table with no shelter. I purposely sit far from him, making sure that I wanted to break the routine. But then, there was a place with shelter, therefore, we moved. Guess what, he pulled a chair sitting next to me too. I'm telling you this. I was damn happy at the moment. He did choose to sit next to me, maybe he wanted to sit next to the other colleague, but who knows. Still he was sitting next to me. Oh dear!

The next morning, we all planned a good trip all the way to the border of Thailand. Took a car and drove of. I wished to sit at the back seat, being that he was there. But I was told to sit front. Fine. Halfway, we stopped for breakfast. There again, he's opposite of me. Damn I'm feeling butterflies in my belly (Actually I don't know what it meant. Just copied from movies). There was a short moment of him and me alone. We didn't talk much but just a silence. Even so, I love the moment.

Picking up on the road, he had swapped seats. Now he's in the middle. All the way driving to Bukit Kayu Hitam, he's sitting forward, face close to mine. I damn love the feeling. Having him chatting, talking jokes, making fun. Then, we finally arrived the border of Thailand, and into Thailand. Was a cheerful journey. It was his first time being in Thailand soil. We took some photos, which I treasured a lot, having him in the group where I'm in too.

Shortly, we moved on to Padang Besar, Perlis. It's a shopping heaven for him. Well, being that  he's returning home the next day. He sure had lots to buy. It's happy to see him happy. He's bought a lot. Clothes and a cap. After that, we moved on returning down south. He's suggested a place for white curry noodles and we were paying the visit. Halfway in the heavy rain, we stopped for break. Greedily, 3 of us (him included) went to try on the Ramly Burger fast food chain store. There again, he was sitting next to me :) Had our chatter, rested and continued the journey. This time he's taking the wheel. Me? Still remain the front seat. Hell no I'm not gonna let this go!

At the destination, we were seated, he went to park the car. Again we relocated when he came, due to the striking sunshine. Guess what?!! I think you guys can guess well for this. So we ordered in total 5 bowls of Kari Putih Special. It was enjoyable. Big and delicious. But before that, the owner had requested for us to take photo in group. I am next to him. He too had passed his hand phone requesting for the picture shot. Later that day, he sent me those photos we had taken in Thailand and the restaurant. I'll keep it for in case when I miss him. Which I deed. Damn!

That was a fruitful day for him... and for me, emotionally. The next morning I didn't see him off. Knowing that he will be always in my heart. I would prefer he had a safe trip home. Then, nightmares come. I didn't know I would miss him so much until he had left for home. Every moments, every seconds as long I'm not occupied for sure I'll think of him. I would secretly withdrew his photo and looked at him. Stalked him in Facebook. He had another account which I have added. Waiting for him to accept but until today I have not received his acceptance. Its an odd feeling. Is like I wanna cry but I can't. I can still smile when I think of him, looking at his pictures. Is weird.

On Monday, I had kept myself busy working. A presentation is to be done the next day. So I had worked hard to fix the presentation. We worked late till 3 a.m. Finally, I could put on my blanket and dozed of for 3 hours.

On Tuesday, we got up early, drove down to Ipoh, done the presentation, had lunch and then went back home to sleep. It was 4 p.m. When I woke up, time didn't go far. It was only one hour later. His images started  to creep in my mind again. I couldn't get off of him. So, finally I built up the guts, dropped him a message expressing my feelings in his suspicious Facebook account. I didn't hope for anything. Only hoped that he had long abandoned the account and moving on with the new one. But he didn't. In the message box, my message is stated "Seen". Oh My God!!! It went to him. Now I'm shaking. What would he respond? Would he hate me? Would he fond for me? Would he ignore me? Would he resent me? All thoughts drawn down to my mind. But it made me even more depressed that he had no respond to my message. Although I had clearly written that he could ignore the message but please don't ignore me. Despite the love, I still treasure our friendship. I do.

Ahhh..... This feeling game still remains in me. Today, I happen to be in KL for business. Got to see some handsome. It does help to take him off my mind for a while. But, he comes back again when emptiness fills in. I do miss him. I do love him. I do wish him well and I do wish that he thinks the same of me.

I write this to keep our memories. I don't want to loose him as friend, at least. I would hope one day. I be able to meet him again. Whatever it be. As long he still takes me as friend. Damn. tears can't drop. I'm not sad or what. Is just this emotion is so complex. It is out of my comprehensive.