Ever since after my college life, when people ask me "Do you have a girlfriend?" I'd reply with a "No" and some may come to the question "Have you ever in a relationship before?" Naturally I'd answer "No." too.. So that probably caught their interest.. "Really??!! you never had a relationship before? Have you fallen in love then?" The subsequent answers are "No." until they are satisfied.
How weird is it that I have not had a relationship before? I wonder.. To me, it seems common, cause I never look for one. Maybe I was ugly back when I was still studying. God knows why. However, fallen in love on the other hand, may have occurred to me. There are guys I kind of liked when I was schooling. But I'll always deny that and always assume I'd wish to have an elder brother like him. How silly~
When I was younger, in the primary... I've already liked guys now that I think back of. But, I never knew that even though my classmates or even schoolmates are calling me gay, akua and all other slang that refers as gay. Guess they knew me better than I am.
In secondary, the blooming of hormones and spring of love spreads all over the school. I see guys and girls are getting along together. Some even tried the freshness of First Kiss, or even I've heard someone made love to other girl and bla bla bla... But being on the goody two shoes side, I've kept myself low and unnoticeable. My brother on the other hand, is a bright person that is known to many. Therefore, he too have had his very 1st puppy love. I'm glade that he's at least straight. Unlike the unlucky me...
In those years up to my college life, I've tried to prove myself that I'm not gay, since I have erections to straight porns too. I even have tried to fall for a girl. Well, she's pretty enough. But not to that I'd like to know her and get close to her or sort. I was just as easily attracted to guys that are good looking that stays in the same block in my hostel. They tend to go topless which makes me even more distracted from my work... That's how I struggle myself all these times. Resist and deny... But I finally gave in.
In the age of 27, my last trial to prove that I'm straight. I've got nothing but to resort to find a prostitute. I found this site that introduces many places for prostitution in my area. So, I've picked a day and took 1 of the advices and when for a "massage". I did get erections, but I did not get much aroused by the lady and I ended up beating myself to cum. How sad that is.... This maybe one of my biggest secret I have let out... But, since that day, I have accepted what I am and admitted at least to myself that I am gay. But the plus point is, I have no reasons of not liking guys now. I may have not come out to anyone, but I can have my pleasure of admiring other guys as I am gay as born.
That's all for today.... such a long story.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Being Single, Being Gay
A lot of time, People do ask me "Do you have a girl friend?" and I shyly say "No". Then, they'll keep on asking why. They seem to think that I'm quite a good looking lad and why would I be single. Well, I'm just acting shy and say I don't know. But deep down in my heart I'm very much clear of the reason. I don't seem to be much interested in girls than boys.
Ever since I was young, I was admiring handsome faces and triggered by the firm tough body whenever they play in the field shirtless. But I kept reminding my self I'm only liking pretty faces and boys generally are better looking than girls. And I gave all the reasons that I envy their body.. and I wish to have one myself... that's how I lied to myself these 20 over years. How pathetic!
Some people do actually suspect that I'm gay. But I quickly deny it. Because in my society gays are minority. Well, I think that gays are just minority as well in everywhere. But, I don't want to disappoint my family. So I'd rather take this secretly. But a secret will someday be broken out. That's why I start off with this blog to announce to the world that I AM GAY!!
The purpose of this blog is very much for me to express my feelings that I've kept this whole while. I just need a space for blabbering... excuse me for now.
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